GOT TOOLS? Part One – Hand Tools

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved tools. Whether I used them or not, whether I  knew what they were for or not, whether I could even afford them or not, I just like having them around. They make you feel like you could just go out and build something with them. Kind of a guy thing I’ve been told, like owning a four-wheel drive in the city…

Well, most  tools have two uses: proper and improper. I’ve collected these definitions over the years from several sources, I certainly cannot claim any credit for them.

Hammer – Originally used as a weapon of war. Now used as a divining rod to locate the most expensive part of you car adjacent to the part you are trying to hit.

Straight Screwdriver – A tool used to open paint cans. Sometimes used to convert slotted screws into nonremovable screws.

Phillips Screwdriver – Used to open fluid containers shipped with vacuum seals while splashing said fluid on your shirt. Also used to convert Phillips head screws into nonremovable screws.

24″ Heavy Duty Screwdriver – A pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Pry Bar – A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket that you need to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Pliers – Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used to create blood blisters. Most commonly used tool by non-tool owners.

Vise Grips – Generally used after pliers round off bolt heads. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Hose Cutter – A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hacksaw and Tin Snips – Tools from the Ouija-board family. They transform human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence their course, the more dismal you future becomes.

Whitworth Wrenches – Once used for working on British cars and motorcycles. Now used to closely impersonate that 9/16-inch socket you’ve been looking for the past 30 minutes.